This is the song that never ends.

It seems that I only post on my blog during a crossroads in life. Perhaps that is OK - during the regularly times, I migrate to my journal to get my thoughts out, but I think I can be more expressive here (only because my typing ability is greater than my handwriting ability).

I have made the decision to, once again, leave school. I don't know if this is permanent or temporary. I don't really even know why I am leaving. I cannot determine what it is that I want to do with my life. This was supposed to be the reason for coming back to school - I was stuck in a job that didn't fulfill me in everyway, and wanted to go back to being a student. Anyhow - let's start from the beginning, so that I can roadmap my thoughts better.

I left Gallagher Bassett a bit over a year ago to come back to school full time. I had been successful there as a technical assistant; so much so that I was on the verge of a promotion that would have granted the title of Account Representative - unheard of for someone under the age of 21. I was about to build a promising career in an industry in which, quite frankly, I had a high ceiling of success.

Of course, me being me, I walked away. Why? Because it wasn't fulfilling me in all the ways I needed to be fulfilled. I was making good money, something that was about to improve drastically. I was good at my job, and I always enjoy success. But I felt old. I felt that I was already entering adulthood, far too early. I enjoyed the success, but I wanted to live as a true college student.

Ever since the age of 16, I have worked. I started in retail (which I loathe) until I graduated. I then got a job in insurance, while going to school. Everyday I would go to school, drive out to Addison to work, and get home around 7 PM. Utter hell. But one of these obligations was paying me - the other was draining me. So I left school for a while. I moved over to GB, where I was extremely successful. But my friends were still in school, and from my view point, living it up. So, after a year, I decided to leave.

I still wonder whether I made a good decision.

Don't get me wrong - this year has been a blast. I have been without the responsibility of a job, I have made my own hours, made more friends than I have had since high school. Generally had fun. But there are two major, MAJOR problems that I have discovered.

One - when it comes to school, I just don't work as hard as I do when I work for business. I tried. Really I did. I started out extremely strong. Why, I finally opened my midterm report a few days ago. I WAS MAKING A 4.0 AT MIDSEMESTER. These were the toughest classes I have had, and were going toward a major I was finally happy with (philosophy). But I couldn't sustain the success. I got accustomed to not going to class here, not reading the assignment here, etc. It turned out bad, my grades reflecting my lack of dedication.

Two - This sounds horrible, and snobbish, etc. But I don't care. I'm not exactly a great, wonderful, nice guy anyway, so what can I say? I enjoyed the money, and I have tastes that require it sometimes. I like to eat at nice restaurants, I like to go to museums, I enjoy the arts, I enjoy buying a reading new books, etc. I have discovered that I could only lower my tastes so much, and in doing so, coupled with a VERY meager salary at Starbucks, I have accrued a nice debt. Nothing drastic, mind you, but I am touchy about my debt. I didn't care for it. Thankfully, my father has helped me out.

To sum all that up - I have decided to leave school. I am wasting my father's money by my lack of dedication, and my time. I suppose I have never thought about the future as much as I should have, but even when I do, I find I am fickle. I have no real passion that I would want to spend my life doing. I just enjoy living.

I made the comment to someone the other day that perhaps I am too rennaissance for my own good. That may very well be true. And that isn't a compliment to myself. I enjoy too many things, am intrigued by too much, but it is so spread thin that I cannot latch onto one thing. I love philosophy, but after studying it heavily for a few months, I need a break and to work on something else. I find that I cannot dedicate to any one thing for a significant amount of time, other than business. A doer of many things is a master of nothing.

I considered joining the Army when I made the decision to leave school, but even the conviction of that move has waned. I enjoy my freedom to do as I please, specifically, I enjoy my fickleness. The Army absolutely requires that I dedicate to something for at least 4 years.

What now? I need to come up with something. I find myself staying up late at night, wondering where I can find fulfillment. Can I be truly happy without proving myself to academia that I really am intelligent (an underlying character issue that I could post an ENTIRELY different blog on), am I lacking in my relationships with other people, have I just not found the right passion? What is that I should do with my life?

I envy those people you read about who say "I always knew I wanted to...." How did they know? How could they be so sure of what they wanted that they could absolutely dedicate themselves to it? Does everyone go through the same thing I am going through, and if so, do they do it so late in life? Is everyone my age/maturity doing this right now, but they are simply more responsible than me and keep the rode, instead of quitting and doing something new every year?

I suspect that the answer is to get over myself, get responsible and do something, instead of complaining and going through this introspection. But I am what I am, and if I changed, I wouldn't be me. I just hope something can be figured out.

I hope that I am going to be OK.